Pull the Anti-Love Filter Out of Your Head

One day, years ago, when my children were very young, I walked by one of my daughters, who was playing on the floor, and felt an impulse to give her a kiss, but I didn’t kiss her, I just kept walking.

And then I thought, "What just happened there? I felt an impulse to kiss my little girl but I stifled it. Why?"

As I thought about it, I realized that we all have filters in our minds that sort out our impulses from our actions. We feel many impulses every day and of course we can’t act on all of them, so we have these subconscious filters that screen most of them out and turn a few of them into actions.

It’s a good thing we have those filters! After all, many of our impulses are foolish or malicious. But it bothered me that I had a filter in my mind restraining me from showing love to one of my own children. I resolved at that moment to remove that particular filter – the anti-love filter – so that every single time I felt an impulse to hug or kiss one of my children, or tell one of them "I love you," that I would do it. And that’s exactly what I did from that day on. Up until they reached the age where that sort of thing has to be restrained a bit in front of friends and so forth, of course.

But this is a blog about being a good manager, so why am I telling this story? Because of what happened at work the very next day.

I had just arrived at work and was walking down the hall toward my office. Coming toward me was an employee who was transferring from one position in our company to another. We had been interviewing candidates to fill her old job but couldn’t find anyone who would do the job nearly as well as she had.

Without thinking about it, as we approached each other I said, "You know, you’re a great employee and a wonderful person, and it’s going to be incredibly difficult to replace you." She smiled and maybe had time to say, "Thanks" before we passed each other.

I didn’t give it another thought until the end of the day. I’m generally one of the last people to leave so as I was in my office getting ready to go home the building was quiet and empty. That same employee suddenly appeared in my doorway. She didn’t look at me; she was staring at the floor with an intense expression. She said, "I don’t want to talk about it, but I want you to know this is a difficult time in my life. A really hard time. I’ve been feeling really bad about myself and I've been very depressed. And when you said that this morning, that was the first kind thing anyone has said to me in a long time, and this is the first happy day I’ve had for quite a while. Thank you." Tears had started to roll down her face as she spoke. As soon as she said, "Thank you" she darted away.

I respected her wishes. We never spoke about it.

But I’ve never forgotten that day. After she left I sat back down in my chair, emotions sweeping through me. At first, I was utterly perplexed. What was she even talking about? Then I remembered the little compliment I had given her that morning. My God, it had just been an impulse, it had just popped out of my mouth, I hadn’t given it any thought at all. I could just as easily have said nothing. In fact, why had I said anything? It wasn’t the sort of thing I normally did.

Then I remembered the day before and the filter I had removed from my mind.

Folks, each of us is a single individual. We are who we are at home and at work. Make a change in one part of your life and you will see the effects of that change everywhere in your life. Learn to be a great parent and you will be a better manager. Learn to be a great business partner and you will be a better spouse. Learn to show love to your children and by golly you will show love to your employees.

As for me, I’ve been darn sure that filter has never been reinstalled in my head. Life’s better without it. Every time I feel an impulse to express appreciation to an employee, or to pay a compliment, I do it. I think this has been one the main reasons for my success as a manager.

Plus, you just never know, do you, when one kind word might make all the difference for someone.

Comments

[CMR]

Great post, and a great example of insights that are transferable from the personal realm to the professional. I had a conversation on this very topic (overt expressions of appreciation) recently, and the response I got was, “It should go without saying.” This manager thinks it should be obvious that he cares about his employees and that his relentless criticisms are based on concern, when the reality is that those around him feel diminished and disempowered. I hope that anyone in a leadership position will follow your advice and take advantage of this practically unlimited resource.

[Bill Allen]

Thanks for sharing this. You should send a copy to GE's management training center. I was a victim of GE's use 'em and leave 'em policy. That was enough corporate America to last me a lifetime. I often thought about how totally different those five years would have been if our company had had managers with compassion.

[Reagan]

Thanks, Bill. All too often companies assume that if you want to enforce high standards you have to have cold-hearted managers, and it's just not true. Employees are more likely to produce great work if they feel appreciated and understood, even if they are also being held to very high expectations.