What To Do (and What NOT To Do!) When One of Your Employees Starts Crying (part 1)

Today we’re going to talk about what to do, and what to avoid doing, when one of your employees starts crying. We’ll focus on the simplest scenario: you and the employee are in your office alone, or perhaps with one other manager present. In a future post I’ll cover more advanced situations like uncontrollable sobbing in the middle of an open work area.

The employee might start crying because of what you’re saying, for example if you’re being critical of the employee’s work or are disciplining the employee. Or the employee might be in your office because she needs to talk about an upsetting workplace issue or personal issue. The basic advice provided in this post applies in either case.

You must be prepared in advance by always keeping a box of tissues in your office. This might seem like a minor thing but it’s actually critically important. A box of tissues is an essential tool that every competent manager must possess. If you don’t have one, buy one today. And don’t buy some cheapo ones either, get the top of the line. Nice thick, smooth tissues that you can blow your nose into with confidence. Nothing says “I’m a bad boss” like handing a sobbing employee a crummy box of discount tissues that feel like fine-grit sandpaper and turn into a blob of mush as soon as they get wet.

When the employee starts crying, the first thing you do is get out the box of tissues and place it in front of her. Don’t get flustered or nervous. Take your time, do it slowly. And don’t shove it at her or slam it down in front of her, place it nicely in front of her with a kind look on your face.

This accomplishes several things. First, it gives you a little time to think before you start talking. No matter how many times you face this situation it’s a bit of a surprise and it can throw you a little off-balance. So while you’re getting out the tissues you can start gathering your thoughts about what you’re going to do.

Second, it’s a polite a way of acknowledging that the employee is crying and it shows that you care. Providing tissues is a very practical way of helping the employee handle a difficult experience.

Third, it demonstrates that you’re a competent, experienced manager who knows how to handle a sensitive situation. This is important because the employee is going to feel really lousy about breaking into tears in front of his boss. She’s likely to be shocked and embarrassed at what is happening. If she can at least feel confident about your ability to handle the situation professionally it will make her feel better. If you get flustered and don’t know what to do it makes things worse for everyone.

Now you can really see why you need to have a box of tissues handy. If you have to say “excuse me” and bolt out of the office to borrow one from someone else then you’re getting things off to a really lousy start and making yourself look like a rookie.

I keep the tissues in a drawer in my desk. I usually meet with employees at the conference table in my office. That way, I can get up from the table, walk over to the desk, get out the box, walk back to the table, sit down, and place the box in front of the employee. This not only gives me time to think, it also gives the employee time to pull herself together. In fact, sometimes that’s all it takes. The employee says “thank you,” the crying is over, and the meeting carries on.

But sometimes the crying is going to last for awhile. We’ll discuss what to do then in the next post in this series.

In the meantime, one final note on how to use tissues effectively: I don’t believe in placing a box of tissues on the table at the beginning of a meeting when you think the employee might end up getting upset and crying. First of all, if the employee doesn’t end up crying I think you end up looking kind of foolish, and it also comes across as sort of an insult to the employee. Second, it sends the message “I’m such a mean boss that I make people cry all the time and now I’m going to make you cry.” So I say: keep the box out of sight until you need it.

Here are parts two, three and four of this series.

Comments

[JMD]

As a frequent cryer, I appreciate this post. It's a curse! I cry at everything and wish I didn't. I even leak tears when I'm telling a funny story. A gently blowing wind frequently brings on tears. I'm appreciative of supervisors who are comfortable enough with the differences in people to not see easy tears as a form of weakness, but more of a physical characteristic. My brain doesn't leak out with my tears. I'm still as sharp as ever, I just have expressive eyes, to the extreme. :)

[Reagan]

Thanks for the great comment JMD. Later in this series of posts I'll be making this same point: that you should not judge an employee who cries in a negative way because crying does not reflect weakness but rather is a biological response that is more easily triggered in some people than others. However, I think you just expressed the point more eloquently than I can!

[DSP]

One time I was cryin in my boss' office because of something inconsiderate that a co-worker had said. He offered me a raggedy tissue. I blew my nose, which was very uncomfortable, but the tissue tore and ended up making a bigger mess and the whole thing got blown way out of proportion. Perhaps a soft and stronger tissue would have prevented the whole thing.

[Reagan]

Thanks for the comment, DSP. It's interesting how such a little thing like low-quality tissues can actually have such a big impact, especially in a situation that is sensitive to begin with. It's a shame that this kind of practical information never seems to be included in management training, and that's part of the reason I started this blog.